A parent’s thoughts on shared parental leave

I am incredibly fortunate to be mum to Rory (born in August 2021) and Erin (born in May 2023). Prior to Rory’s arrival, the notion of shared parental leave (‘SPL’) was floated by my husband Dan. Despite my ardent feminist tendencies, I very quickly shut this suggestion down. I was the one who was becoming the size of a small house, waddling around knocking back Gaviscon. A year away from work was my chance to have some rest and relaxation, basking in the glow of my beautiful newborn. The leave was mine, and I was not inclined to share it.

While I loved my first maternity leave, as any parent or carer will know, being at home with your child/ren is in fact often considerably harder work than a day in the office. It was certainly not the restful, relaxing times I had oh so naively anticipated. When Rory was about 9 months old, having sung Incey-Wincey spider at least five times already that day, and on my hands and knees scraping Weetabix splatters off our kitchen walls, I realised I was hankering after my “old life” - a professional identity and an existence that involved clean clothes, hot drinks and going to the loo by myself. The moment passed quickly, but I did wonder if perhaps there was something in this idea of SPL after all… 
We did not have to wait too long to find out. Shortly after I returned from maternity leave, we discovered that our little girl Erin was on the way. Dan raised the subject of SPL again and this time, more experienced and infinitely more exhausted, I agreed that this would be the best plan for our family. 

SPL was introduced by the UK government in 2015. Families who opt to take SPL can share up to 50 weeks of leave (37 weeks of pay) in the first year of the child’s life. The new policy was intended to encourage a sharing of parental responsibilities and to break the old stereotypical assumptions that childcare is always the mother’s role. It is well documented that the pay and pension gaps widen considerably once a woman takes time out of work to have and raise children and is more likely to experience a stalling or slowing of career progression. 

When SPL was introduced, I can remember there being extensive discussions about the revolutionary impact that this change could have in the workplace. The sad reality is that the uptake is thought to be as low as only 1% of eligible mothers and 5% of eligible fathers or partners taking the leave. There are a number of reasons cited for this, perhaps most obviously the absence of any enhanced paternity leave or pay in many employers. Statutory maternity/paternity pay is less than national minimum wage and is therefore not an option for many families. There is also a lack of awareness that SPL is an option and unfortunately still some societal stigma around a father/partner being the primary carer.

The forms required to organise the leave do look quite daunting and seem unnecessarily complex. That said, the process itself was straightforward for both of us. The firm were supportive and provided lots of guidance on completing the paperwork and the process more generally. Everything was easily sorted before Erin’s arrival.

It is possible to take the leave consecutively, concurrently, or in shorter blocks. We opted for me to take the first 9 months (37 weeks) of leave, and Dan is currently taking the final 3 months (13 weeks). People around us have responded positively to the concept. Some have hailed Dan as a modern-day hero, which is frustrating and highlights just how far we still have to go as a society with regard to gender equality. Needless to say, I have received no such accolades!

From my and my team’s perspective, I had 9 months away. Ultimately, this was no different to a normal maternity leave, except that I returned to work a little sooner than I might otherwise have done, which everyone was happy with. Dan’s employer and team have been similarly supportive of his decision to have some time at home. 

It is still very early days for us, but my observations so far are that my return to work this time around has felt a lot easier. The initial nursery drop-offs with Rory were fraught with emotion, and I often joined the first Teams call of the day still with a lump in my throat and frantically wiping traces of mascara smudged under my eyes. This time, although still a challenging transition, I have no reservations about leaving Erin with Dan, and I can instead better focus my attentions on settling back into work. This has felt like I have some breathing space and time to get properly settled in before we do put Erin into nursery.

We hope that we are role-modelling a team-based approach to parenting, rather than a more traditional “default to mum” stance. I hope that this will be a lifelong thread – time will tell!

Dan has always been a hands-on parent, so this is a wonderful opportunity for him to spend more time with our children. He has also started to fully appreciate the hard work that goes into caring solo for a two-year-old with dictatorial tendencies and an adventurous nine-month-old with absolutely no regard for danger. I hope that the increased empathy and recognition we have for each other will in time serve as a positive example to our children and solidify our team-driven approach. They, and those of their generation, should never have to question the fact that both parents are capable of looking after them, while also being able to go to work and progress professionally.

I will be the first to say that I have absolutely no answers when it comes to how to parent, and what works will look different in every family. Amidst the seemingly endless advice I have received, one nugget I do hold on to is that “there is no way to be a perfect parent, but there are a million ways to be a good one.” SPL is flawed and insufficient in its current guise, and there is so much more still to do to get anywhere close to gender equality. However, I do hope that it will be one of those “million ways” for my family. Please do feel free to reach out if you do have any questions about how it is working out for us.